The Toddler's Dictionary

Apple - 1: A juicy fruit which is used primarily for biting but is not, under any circumstances, to be swallowed. Example: Lauren bit happily into the apple, chewed vigorously, and spit out a pile of pulp onto the floor.

Blankie - 1: A comforting snuggler. 2: An important dress-up box addition. 3: Your One True Love.

Crayon - 1: A waxy, colorful object used to increase finger dexterity, esp. in peeling away their paper wrappings. 2: A delicious snack. 3: A tool for decorating walls, hardwood floors, baby doll faces, etc.

Dog - 1: The giant thing that's trying to attack you, even if it's a block away. 2: The giant sleeping thing that wants you to explore its eyes, ears, under-tail area, and tongue.

Egg - 1: A ball. You throw it.

Finger - 1: The most superior tool for probing your parent's exposed orifices. 2: The single most important weapon against the dreaded booger.

Gum - 1: A highly desirable treat. 2: The enticingly wrapped bits of squishy material in your mom's purse, of which she probably wants you to unwrap an entire package before licking several pieces.

Hair - 1: A handle by which to turn your sister's head. 2: A convenient place to wipe your dinner-dirtied hands.

Ice - 1: A tiny, elusive treat you believe to be superior to the drink in which it's floating. Example: Lauren shoved her fist into my glass to search for the last piece of ice, and sloshed away my remaining water.

Jump - 1: The coolest dance move, ever.

Kitty - 1: A miniature dog. 2: An animal whose sole purpose is to tempt you into pulling its tail.

Library - 1: The place you go to read books, play with train tables, and scream at your loudest decibels. 2: The place your mom loves above all others. Example: We pulled into the Library parking lot and mom squealed, sighed, and shed a tear.

Mom - 1: Servant.

Night - 1: The opposite of Day. 2: The perfect time to throw up. 3: The light at the end of your parents' tunnel.

Outside - 1: The most desirable of venues. 2: Paradise.

Potty Seat - 1: An o-shaped disk used in the bathroom for peering into the toilet. Somewhat similar to a telescope, but with a closer range. 2: A fun frisbee. 3: A place to rest your behind for no longer than 0.8 seconds before jumping up, declaring yourself to be all done! and running away.

Quarter - 1: A small, shiny object useful for making your mom freak out. Example: Lauren put the quarter in her mouth, making her mom freak out.

Run - 1: The act of moving one's legs quickly so as to distance oneself from one's pursuer. 2: The correct response to be used when approached with fingernail clippers, facial tissue, or a rectal thermometer.

School - 1: A building you sometimes frequent. 2: Your favorite place, except when it's your least favorite place.

Table - 1: A tall piece of furniture whose surface is mainly used for dancing. 2: A dangerous obstacle. Example: Lauren's head fought the table corner, and the table corner won.

Umbrella - 1: The most awesome toy you will ever hope to possess. 2: An object whose use creates great losses of patience in your mother. Example: While trekking across the windy and rain soaked parking lot, mama tried to push the shopping cart full of groceries and cover us both with the umbrella at the same time; she crashed into a cart-corral.

Vegetable - 1: Poison.

Winter - 1: A time of extreme torture requiring you to remain indoors at all times. 2: A season whose weather causes your mother to dress you far too warmly, thereby ticking you off and making your mother wish it were spring already.

X - 1: A letter near the end of your favorite song.

Yellow - 1: A color, correct pronunciation of which is 'Lell-yoh'. 2: Possible description of any object in your sight. Example: Look, mom! The sky is yellow! That broccoli is yellow! My favorite color is YELLOW!

Zen - 1: An unseen force of peace and harmony. 2: Your mortal enemy. 3: Your worst nightmare. 4: The thing you were sent to earth to conquer.