Monday, June 1, 2009

An Open Letter To My Local Wal-Mart

Dear Supercenter,

As a shopper and all around advocate of the goodness that is your shopping facility, I frequent your store several times a month. In order to acquire all of the items that are needed to sustain a family of four at prices that are not directly at odds with our dwindling budget, as well as to stock up on all things necessary to feed my sugar and novel addiction, your store is my first line of enablement - I mean, defense. However, I feel as though I would be remiss if I did not inform you of an important detail that I believe has been overlooked by your higher-ups.

Upon entering the store, the first place a customer's eyes gravitate towards is the colossal stack of shopping carts lined up just so - ostensibly placed to let the customer know that he or she is being taken care of with an ample supply of carts. If only it were that simple.

During a recent trip to your store, my cart selection attempts were thwarted so badly that I almost gave up and marched right back out to the blazing parking lot. But, having spent the time and energy to pack up the kids along with sufficient supplies for a grocery shopping trip, (snacks, toys, tranquilizers, etc.) this was not an option for me.

For example, if there was a cart sitting handily out in front, all by itself, one would assume that this cart was prime for the taking. Upon inspection, though, one would realize that the lonely cart has a pile of what appears to be swine-flu ridden facial tissues lodged within it's wire basket. In an effort to obtain a snot-free cart, I stepped back to the next available one, wedged so tightly with it's mate that it could only have been budged by a pinpointed nuclear blast. Of which there are none available to me. (As a side note, this weaponry might be the only man-made item in the universe which is not carried by your store...)

My third try gained me a beautiful cart, easily disconnected from the pile, and promptly filled with my purse and two darling children. As we set off from the entryway into the store proper, I was made aware of the underlying fault with the cart I had chosen. It had a wonky wheel. This wheel sat directly perpendicular to my line of travel at all times. No matter in which direction I turned, the wonky wheel conspired against me. The kids were unloaded, and yet another cart was retrieved for my supposed use. Halfway into the fresh produce section, we felt distinct buh-humps with every revolution of the cart's wheels; one of the front wheels had been ground down on one edge, producing a cart reminiscent of a hydrolicized hoopty. However, at this point I'd spent far too long on cart inspection and retrieval, and we just made do.

I might add, for your sake Wal-Mart, that this hoopty-motion cart was somewhat entertaining for both my children and my fellow shoppers. I believe I was the only individual not enjoying it's antics.

As we traveled through the store the cart got worse and worse, so that in order to make a turn, I had to first come to a full stop, (directly in the path of oncoming cart traffic) back up approximately 3 steps, heave the cart sideways for a few feet, and hope it gained momentum fast enough to counteract it's natural reflex to tip over. I apologized to the shoppers whom my back-and-forth activity inconvenienced, but they were all very kind and understanding.

Understanding, because it seems as if they had all been there before. My fellow shoppers looked at me with pity because in their hearts they were probably saying, There but for the grace of Sam Walton go I. It would appear as if this situation is not isolated, nor is it infrequent. Therefore, it would appear as if Wal-Mart stores, both Super and otherwise, should employ a cart technician around the clock.

C'mon, Wally. We're dropping large enough portions of our paychecks into your facility every day, that a cart technician would only be common courtesy on your part.

Thank you for your time.

ALWAYS (see how I did that?),
Sarah the Heavenly


  1. You really should send this to Wal-Mart. If nothing else, I'm sure someone would get a kick out of it!

  2. I second that suggestion...Sarah, you are too funny. I am crying, because it's so true. Good luck trying to find a cart with a properly working seatbelt, also.;)

  3. As a proud Wal-Mart Associate, I feel I should respond on behalf of my beloved company. First of all, we do have cart inspectors in our company. ALong with people who study how often to put a cart corral in the parking lot to make sure that no matter where you park, they are always just a tad too far away. We also have people who study the exact height of 3 year olds and position the really good toys and candy right in her line of vision (they are that good!). In addition, we have a highly trained team of professionals who researches possible threats to Wal-Mart posted by what appear to be your normal run-of-the-mill stay-at-home moms who blog about their beautiful daughters and the trials of having wisdom teeth removed while secretly covering up complicated plots to blow up the world's largest retailer. The mere fact that you mentioned Wal-Mart and a nuclear attack in the same blog entry probably just bought you another "This Heavenly Life" fan for life-only I don't think they leave comments. Sorry. To make matters worse, they will begin compiling a record of every thing you have purchased from Wal-Mart, ever, and very soon will be sharing this list with the police, the FBI, the CIA, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, your kindergarten teacher and your mother. So, my friend, while you see that the shopping cart with the bum wheel was a nuissance to your weekly Wal-Mart trip, it was actually an important piece of a very complicated master plan designed to capture violent criminal threats (like yourself) from harming our poor little shoppers. And to think that you would dare complain...the nerve! And I will leave you with one last thought...we have crunched the numbers and are fully prepared to go to the press with some staggaring information if it comes to that. We know the total number of donuts we are talking about and we are not afraid to use help me Sam.

  4. DON'T DO IT ANON.! Nobody needs to know how often I purchase the entire fleet of walmart donuts and how often! An intervention might be staged...and then what would my poor children do without the sugar-happy mother they know and love?!

    Oh, it's too much. I'll just have to delete the part about the nukes...but wait, that goes against my rights of free speech...what's an addict to DO?!


Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?