Wednesday, December 17, 2008

An Early Resolution

The other day, I ran into an old high school friend. I haven't seen him for years, and his life has taken an exciting route. Well, exciting to me, who stays at home most days playing tea party.

I tried to make small talk, which I am terrible at. I really could benefit from some training in small talk. This led to me joking about the laundry I do all day, compared to his work in the recording studio. And I heard myself saying dumb things but I couldn't stop my myself.

I talked about staying at home with the kids, and it sounded like I was apologizing for being lame. Like I'm not proud of my work.

Because that's what it is; my chosen profession - my work - is my family. I choose to stay home and raise my kids every minute of the day. To see every step and witness every new ability. To be available, making a home for my husband and children. This is what I've always wanted to do and I feel very rewarded. I feel being a mother is so special, that I couldn't imaging giving up this chance to take a job elsewhere. For as long as it's possible, I hope to be a stay at home mom.

And if I had chosen to work away from home because I felt called to do so, I would have nothing to apologize for then either. The point is that whatever path God puts us on, we are there for a reason.

So why did I sound disappointed? I don't wish I was in his place. I don't desire a life other than my own. If anything, I see myself as the lucky one. Who's to say he didn't admire my family life?

I think it's my need for approval. If I'm not exactly like someone, they can't possibly like me, right? This brain is warped, I tell you.

My favorite part of the Lord's Prayer is "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven." If I pray that prayer with an open heart, I should have all the tools I need to live joyfully. I should be able to see that the work I do, and the attitude with which it is done, plays a part in bringing God's Kingdom to us, now. Even a little part means something. And my being a mother definitely has the capability of building some heaven on earth. I try to plant seeds in our children's hearts for a life lived loving God.

Now the part about God's will being done is a tougher statement for me, one I struggle with on a momentary basis. But the Kingdom - that's what I hope for above all else. Because if God's Kingdom is here now, his will cannot be questioned.

My new year's resolution should be to exude confidence and contentment, joyfully living out God's plan for my life. That, and get better at small talk.

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