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As soon as she stepped foot out of Kindergarten -- what? two weeks ago? a lifetime ago? -- she declared herself a First Grader. I know what that means. That means 7-year-olds. And homework. Sleepovers. It means almost-a-second-grader. Almost a teenager and almost a young lady. But she is my first baby, so I contradict her: she will not be a first grader until she steps foot in the classroom. Even then, I will be suspicious. First graders are not little. They are full-grown, still-growing people, walking away into life.
"Mama, when I was a baby, did I make cute noises like Landon does?" She asks from the back of the car as we're driving across town. Landon is gurgling and squealing delightedly -- delightfully -- in front of her.
"Of course," I tell her. "You sounded a lot like him, all bubbly and happy."
But as her attention refocuses out a tinted window, I panic; I can't actually remember the sound of her baby gurgles and her sloppy raspberries. They must have sounded just the same as her baby brother's. As her little sister's. Babies do this. But was her inflection sharper, softer, broader, tighter? I can't hear it in my head.
I stare at her in the rear view mirror, at her sister in the next seat, at her brother -- all I can hear is right now. This very minute, the bubbles and screeches and questions and giggles and songs, they fill my head to the exclusion of memory although I desperately wish to hold it all, every scrap and snippet, snug for the rest of time, until it stands still and eternity holds us...
But then they are all three silent at the very moment my eyes begin to prick with hot tears, and it is okay.
I can't hold the yesterdays. I can only step into the tomorrows.
First-grader or not, she is living into tomorrow. I guess I'll join her.
Tuesdays Around the World is hosted by Communal Global -- go visit to take a quick globe-trot and make some new friends!
Also linking with Heather's Just Write -- another place to make new friends and share yourself with words.
I think when it's finally quiet for *long* enough, you'll start to remember. And I'm speaking as the mother of an almost-second-grader (if they'll EVER end this school year), which make me infinitely, um, older...and wiser. :-)
ReplyDeleteI know I say it every time, but gosh she's precious!
Yes, Mother Emily, you are wise and intelligent; I humbly accept your advice!
DeleteShe IS precious, right? I'm glad I'm not just seeing things :)
The years are so short as a parent...they go by so fast. (Of course, the days often feel so long though.)
ReplyDeleteStunning photo of your daughter...
Thanks! And yes, that dichotomy is so startling!
DeleteI find the years passing to quickly! I hate what I forget, and find myself trying to grasp on and slow things down. They dont though do they? My boy just went off to Jr. Boys camp this week. I. Cant. Believe. It.
ReplyDeleteI know! Those milestones have a way of nailing it home, don't they?
DeleteThis is so sweet! I teach first grade and in 3 days they all become big second graders! Hope she embraces every day while looking to the future!
ReplyDeleteI think it's safe to say she's embracing it all -- isn't it amazing how much LIFE these children can live into any one day? Any one minute? They're so vibrant :)
DeleteLiving into tomorrow - gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteShe's doing a gorgeous job of it, too! Thanks, Kate :)
DeleteOh, this is so hard! I remember sending my oldest TO Kindergarten holding my 5 month old and thinking, "BEFORE I KNOW IT, THIS little guy will be graduating!"
ReplyDeleteThe blessing is you get to live each day with them (or most days) until they are gone.
That's the thing about having little ones with little siblings -- they throw light on how fleeting it all is. I can see the baby cheeks in my big girl's face, and it makes me pay attention to time. Embrace what we have while we have it.
DeleteThank you for stopping by!
I have a 13 year old and I am finding it hard to remember what he was like as a baby. Now as my daughter turns one I am grasping onto those moments and trying to make them linger just a little bit longer. She just learned how to kiss. It is so sweet!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest little one will start Kindergarten in the fall. Your words in this post resonate deeply.