Saturday, May 7, 2011

Random, Dripping, Colorful; A Peek Into This Hormonal Life

I don't know what's weirder about life lately: that I would rather stare out the window at the abundance of color splashed on the world this spring, or that I never noticed the abundance before.  Was it muted?  Was I rushing by too quickly?  I'm sure I was.

Or how about this for weird?  I would rather scrape all the white cream from the middle of a Double-Stuf Oreo and feed it to the trash can, than put up with its syrupy-smooth squish in the middle of my crunchy, black cookie.  But for the entirety of my life, the cream was my favorite part.  I whined and moaned that my mother somehow never understood, and continued to bring home regular-Stuf Oreos when she even bought them at all. 

And why do I suddenly cry at the drop of a hat?  I misunderstand or am misunderstood: tears and staring-off into the distance (probably at the blue, blue sky) for days at a time, worrying.  There is a change in plans: tears and self-pity and probably boredom, which leads to more tears.  My daughter's shoulders are so perfectly narrow and innocent, but her legs are forcing her up, up, up into a crazy world: tears.  I forget to thaw meat for dinner: tears.  I overcook dinner: tears.  I don't want dinner: tears.  I'm hungry, with nothing satisfying in the house: tears.

(There are only Double-Stuf Oreos in the house: tears.)

And if there are tears, the only thing I want to do -- the only thing I seem capable of doing both passionately and correctly lately -- is thrown off balance.  Because how can I simply stare out at the gorgeous, blooming (lime and forest and azure and cerulean and fuchsia and cotton and cream and hazel and lilac and rust and bubble-gum and golden) world, if it's all running together in my hormonally-weeping eyes?

In summary, my life looks like a drippy rainbow right now.  And there's nothing good to eat.

7 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah! You KNOW I know how you feel right now! Let the tears come and don't worry about them; if that's all you can do right now then that's all you're SUPPOSED to do right now.

    I have no idea what you would like to eat, though. But if you figure it out, I'll make some for you and send it to you!!

    (No really, if you trust me with your address, I will TOTALLY send you a care package!!!)

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  2. O I can so relate to the nothing to eat. I am hungry, but nothing sounds good, nothing hits the spot. And then I just want to cry. :(

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  3. My whole life I hate avocados, then.... My first pregnancy I got mad guacamole cravings. And I couldn't eat chocolate without gagging. Those hormones are no joke.

    At least the rainbow is beautiful, and maybe to see it you need a little rain? You are in the midst of magic.

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  4. I receive sweet, encouraging comments: tears :)

    Lucy -- You are such a dear girl; I know that any care package from you would make me cry to be so remembered! I love ya...truly.

    Young Mom -- I have a feeling that the second you are holding that little one in your arms (soon!), you'll suddenly be surrounded by things that taste perfect. After giving birth, I remember being completely in LOVE with my first meal: Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. I mean, I was singing its praises for days :) I hope you see the baby's face SOON!

    Kate -- Yes: magic. Thank you so much for a beautiful reminder!

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  5. Oh, I have so been there too. I know those hormones. I promise they do go away eventually. Hopefully you will figure out what it is you are craving. for me, it was always watermelon. I could have ate that by the bucketful!

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  6. I really hope your days go better soon. When I felt that way, I used to watch a good chick flick and have a good cry. It always seemed to help and at least I didn't feel quite so out of control!

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  7. That last sentence made me laugh -- great summary :) I think I get more teary with each consecutive pregnancy! Or maybe it's just because I'm getting older!

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?