Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Forgive Me While I Darken

I'm a rose-colored-glasses sort of girl.  I see life as half-full and silver-lined more often than not, and if I feel myself slipping into worry, doubt, negativity...I pretend the joy until it becomes more tangible.  Real tragedies are no less real to me, I just refuse to be shaken from my blind clinging to the faith that I -- we: my family, my world -- will be alright no matter what.  Because it's my choice to turn towards hope and find joy in whatever circumstances we may find ourselves.

Like I said, though: real tragedies affect me hugely.  And right now, I can't seem to focus on anything but what's happening in Japan.  News stories around the world which would have held my attention only days ago are now relegated to the bottom of my thoughts.  If the headline doesn't include 'Japan', I can hardly see it. 

I like to think that my humanity alone is holding me captive over Japan's plight, but I think it's alright to admit that since I have friends there -- worrying about food shortages and radiation and aftershocks -- my sensitivity is doubly heightened. 

And I'm still turning towards hope with a rose-colored tinge.  For the people in Japan as well as myself and my family a world away in the middle of Heartland, USA.  But I feel like I can't keep posting cute pictures of my happy, healthy daughters without also acknowledging this hulking, greedy, worried core inside me that only thinks of Japan, all day, every day. 

So I guess I'm just saying...know that for every light, joyful, positive post or picture I publish, I'm also writing one in my head that rings with endless concern over Japan's crisis.  I'm also making emergency preparedness lists and planning escape routes (from what?) in case we're confronted with a disaster of our own.  Any cutesy, silly stories (if or when they get written) aren't me moving past my worry, they're me embracing the good, hopeful parts of my world, because I have to. 

Right now is one of those times that I feel myself slipping into doubt and anxiety and restlessness, and I have to pretend otherwise or it'll consume me completely.

6 comments:

  1. Its been a huge topic of discussion here too. The stories and images from Japan are stunning and heartbreaking at the same time. I cannot imagine the fear every parent must have as they search for or try to care for their children in the after math of a disaster of this magnitude.

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  2. Sarah, thanks for this post. It made me wonder if you might plan to write something about facing crisis/disaster/etc with your children for your weekly column. Just thinking...

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  3. You and me, girl, seriously on the same page again. I, too, just poured my heart out about this very heart matter in my virtual coffee post yesterday. It amazes me how we often feel similarly and then write about it within hours of each other.
    I love your beautiful, writing, Sarah. :)

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  4. I love your heart, friend.

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  5. I can't even get my head around it. Really. The whole nuclear aspect just cripples my mind. So I've taken the far less noble path of putting my head in the sand to a large degree. I'm just not able to go too deep right now.

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  6. You are so right here, about everything. I hate what is happening in Japan right now. They are an amazing people. I really don't know how they are going to recover from this. It is bigger than I can even imagine.

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?