Weekly Column: Bribery Only Works For So Long

My husband walked in the door bearing a plate of giant cookies from a local bakery. Topped with spooky Halloween sprinkles, these cookies looked for all the world like orange and black discs of sweetened bribery.


And that’s exactly how I intended to use them.

I’m not above a good bribe to encourage my children’s participation or obedience. In fact, bribery has become so common in our household, that we frequently use it without a second thought. ‘If you take a good nap, you can watch a video later,’ I’ll dangle on my way out of a darkened bedroom. ‘If you eat all your dinner, you can have a special treat,’ I’ll tease as we sit down at the table.

And usually, it works.

That night, the girls knew the drill before I’d even laid the groundwork.

In between squeals and bouncing leaps, my preschooler and toddler spoke over each other’s excited voices. “Mama! We can have a cookie after dinner! Mama! Daddy brought cookies for when we eat a good dinner! One for her, one for me, and one for you! Cookies for a special treat tonight, mama!”

Smiling serenely, I agreed with them, allowing that they could have cookies when they’d finished their meal. Inside, I was doing my own squeals and leaps; the promise of such a treat was bound to encourage a quick and painless dinnertime from my girls who, on occasion, approach meals as if they were being forced to swallow rotten eggs instead of simple Midwestern fare.

With cookies on the horizon we settled in to enjoy a quiet meal.

We almost made it, too.

By the time our two-year-old had cleaned her plate and started on her glorious cookie, our four-year-old’s dinner was barely touched. She began offering compromises. “How about just three more bites before my cookie,” she offered. “Because I’m not really very hungry tonight.”

When that didn’t work, she resorted to a never-before-seen tactic. “Actually, I don’t need to eat any more dinner. I’m full. I’ll just save my cookie for tomorrow.” And down she hopped from her chair.

For a moment, the happy bribery haze that had been blanketing our kitchen dropped away and everything became stark and hopeless. She didn’t want the cookie. The bribe was meaningless.

What happens next when my tried-and-true method of sneaky convincing becomes tried-and-failed?

I suppose this is the problem with bribery (among other things): desensitization. My fail-proof special treats given for a non-confrontational meal only work for so long before they become worthless. My daughter knows that special treats are not actually special because they’re offered after every dinner. She’ll go ahead and skip her vegetables, and catch the next guaranteed bribery offer that comes along.

She knows she won’t have to wait long.

Beware falling into the pit of over-used bribes, lest you also find yourself up against a hollow system. I’d hate to see you flailing about for a way to encourage a meal without your established plan of bribery. It just isn’t pretty.

The thing is, my parenting methods aren’t perfect. I try hard and occasionally stumble across something that works, but just as often, my attempts are proven wrong. My bribes become void. My rules need tweaking. My approach is forced to shift.

And that’s one of the amazingly forgiving parts of being a parent, isn’t it? We hold onto habits or ideas until they stop working, and then it’s okay to let them go. Parenting is a process. It evolves. It requires evolution.

So my ‘encouraging’ methods will have to evolve.

Here we go again. (Any suggestions?)



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