Saturday, October 30, 2010


In the quiet of the kitchen, I stood hunched over the counter. 

Before me was two-year-old Lauren's purple pumpkin bucket, filled with all manner of candy bars that weren't mine.  As I hadn't been the one to sweetly sing trick or treat! at the desks of my husband's coworkers, I had no claim on the candy bars.  Still, I coveted them.

I glanced over my shoulder -- Mia was smashing three colors of play-doh together at the kitchen table, absorbed in her work.  Lauren was singing quietly in the back of the house.  Slowly, so slowly, I dropped my hand into the bucket and plucked out a piece of candy I knew my toddler was too young to fully appreciate: a Reese's peanut butter cup. 

She'd never savor it the way I would.  She'd also never notice its absence.  I peeled open the wrapper as carefully as my shaking fists would allow; it had been nearly 30 minutes since my last chocolate fix.

Again, I stole a peek at Mia.  She was still busy.  I listened for Lauren...but heard nothing.  She was suddenly silent.

Is she...I wondered...trying to go number two?!  She'd been accident-free for days, but still needed some encouragement with pooping on the potty -- I hoped her silence didn't mean that she'd chosen the easier, messier route of relieving herself in her underpants. 

In my hand was the now-completely unwrapped peanut butter cup.  Reverently, I nestled it back into its paper cup, swearing I'd be back for it momentarily.  I'll never let go, I promised. 

With much stealth and speed, I tip-toe-ran down the hall, seeking out my silent toddler.  I didn't want to startle her into movement that would spread the mess down her legs if she'd already begun but I needed to stop her before she got started if she hadn't already begun.  I found her on her sister's bed, face down, bottom up.  Oh no...I thought...I'm too late.

"Lauren?" I began.  "Do you need to go poo-poo on the potty?" 

Her head popped up at my question, but not in defiance or fear.  The look on her face was pure, beaming pride.  "Mama," she crowed, "I'm eatin' Mia's candy!  Look -- I got in her bucket and dugged and dugged and I found some lots of candy corns and I'm EATIN' them ALL!"

Sure enough, her mouth was sticky and oddly-colored.  In the midst of being grateful that she hadn't actually pooped her panties, I began to punish her both for stealing her sister's candy and sneaking it without my permission, but then...

An innocent image of the stolen peanut butter cup accosted my sensibilities.  It lay still in the kitchen, waiting for my promised return.  If I left it there, perhaps wrapping it back up for Lauren to find another time, I could rightfully punish my sneaky child's theft.  I thought for only a split second before planting a wide grin on my face. 

To Lauren, I said, "As you were, my child."

To the peanut butter cup, I said, "Hello, my lover."


  1. HAHAHA! I love it.

    And I'm glad I'm not the only one who whispers sweet nothings to the candy I'm about to consume :)

  2. Ha! Spoken like a truly in-the-trenches mother!

    But did you find the juxtaposition of images--the gooey chocolate, the gooey underpants--at all disturbing? Because I almost (almost) lost my appetite for chocolate...

  3. ha ha i like the trick or treating with a toddler but i have no remorse in stealing her hard earned candy :) i just say well this one has nuts so you can't have that. ohh and this one has to be a chocking hazard so that's mine too. i was nice though she did have 3 m&ms today ha ha

  4. Hehe. My dad always took what he called "Daddy Tax" out of our Halloween stash.

  5. Hilarious! That Lauren...ha so funny. I shamelessly steal Savannah's candy-and she would even enjoy a Reese's cup as I would-it was her prize pick yesterday. Don't they just make ya proud?
    P.S. oh the suspense-Travis came right home and read your blog (this is not a regular practice for him) and then said something to me about it-thus reminding me that I needed to read it too ha ha!

  6. Yep, we don't call it "stealing" around here. All Halloween candy much be placed in the community bowl to share!! That means MOM gets her share of the loot!!

  7. Hilarious! Our rule is let mom in on the candy eating fun and you'll get to eat more. Weird, I know, but it totally works!

  8. Ha! I love it! Mostly because I snuck a Reese's cup from Lily's pumpkin this morning :) My rationale is, I'm the one who worked hard on her costume, so I deserve a little reward :)


Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?