1. When the Dentist takes pictures of your smile, he'll be staring at them for a long time to help decide what's going on with your malfunctioning jaws.
2. So when you go to the dentist, you should always be camera ready. Despite the fact that you don't know how to get to that point.
3. When the pictures are projected in jumbo size on the wall of the conference room, you will discover that your face can still burst into flames in your husband's presence. Even if you'd thought you were immune to embarrassment in front of him.
4. When the pictures are zoomed in to show just your mouth, you might realize that while your upper lip looks normal and fine in regular circumstances, the dentist's camera doesn't reflect that. Instead, it shows -- in striking detail -- a manly 'stache above your pretty smile.
5. As a result, your face, which had cooled off over the past several minutes, may again burst into flames. You'll desperately hope those flames will have burned the rogue facial hair into smithereens.
6. If your husband, who's never seen this up-close and highlighted view of your...masculine side, suddenly starts laughing when your mouth and upper lip are blazoned across the wall, you will wonder why you brought him in the first place.
7. When he distracts you from the important task of shooting fiery darts out of your eyeballs into your husband's perfect smile, you will be grateful for the Dentist's businesslike attitude. Even though you know he probably thought your file got mixed up with that of a 13 year old boy. Who hasn't yet begun shaving.
8. You will vow to only undergo the necessary dental work under a few conditions:
a. Find and employ an expert aesthetician.
b. Leave your husband home next time.
c. Get a contract from the dentist promising there
will always be at least a week's warning period
before you are expected to be camera ready.
d. Husband is not allowed to mention, ponder,
or even remember the images he saw on the
conference room wall.
9. You will want to go home and cry into your pillow about dominant, hairy genes and thin, pale skin.
10. Your faith in mankind will be restored when your husband -- who has yet to forget the awful visions of your un-tended-to upper lip -- flirts heavily with you for the rest of the morning. You may wonder if it was all a bad dream.
11. But upon giving yourself a good, hard stare-down in the rearview mirror of your car which is lit by the blinding reflection of the snow, you will know that you are, in fact, awake. And hairy.
Class Dismissed. No, there will not be visual aids posted at a later time. Thank you for asking. Good Day.
Oh my. I feel wrong for being as entertained as I was by this post, considering the embarrassment suffered to provide it :) I've got a 'stache too, man. And my hair is BLACK. Is there anywhere on earth where females' "masculine sides" are celebrated? Where Nair is outlawed and no one fears the zoom feature? If so, I'd like a ticket please :)
ReplyDeleteOh, so funny! Anything but a 'stache!
ReplyDeleteI have to say, my facial hair problem is on my chinny chin chin. I noticed one or two long ones like a year ago, and it's only got worse since then. I try to pluck them, but they keep coming back! I kept thinking I would blog about it, but I didn't want anyone else to be self-conscious and realize they had it, too - I couldn't put them through the agony. So thanks for opening this up! It gives me the chance to ask: what's the best way to get rid of this stuff?
Also, when I pointed out my discovery to my darling husband, he said he'd always noticed. The sweet man never said a word! Since then, however, he teases me and comments when it's time to pluck. Sometimes he'll even stroke my chin hair!
I'm sorry to laugh and I know I shouldn't...but thanks for the honesty and the hysterical laughter this post caused!
ReplyDeleteLet me also say that you are not alone! Can I mention how grateful that other bloggers are a million miles away and don't see me every day? And how I pick and choose exactly which day to update my Blogger photo so that I'm looking as best I can? I know when to be camera ready. On a trip to the dentist, I wouldn't have planned on getting THAT close up either.
Thanks for the honesty and for sharing this. It's a good reminder to keep my hubby out in the waiting room with the kids next time I go in! :)
Yikes! I feel your pain (and am only laughing a little tiny bit, honest)about the upper lip issues. I hate nothing more than those mornings when I wake up and realize I am WAY past due for my semi-annual upper lip waxing.
ReplyDeleteAnd giant pictures at the dentist make me want to crawl into a little hole in the ground and stay there FOREVER!
You remain hilarious, though!
I'm with Lenae -- I almost feel wrong for telling you that this post made me laugh my head off, given the fact that it was such a terribly embarrassing experience for you! I'm laughing because you're a funny writer -- not because of the aforementioned embarrassing situation :)
ReplyDeleteOh, girl... I am SO there with you! So I hope you don't mind I laughed my butt off when I read this. But only because I COMPLETELY understand. Thanks to my father (who I'm certain is part gorilla), I've got dark hairy genes as well. I hope and pray that my girls get their father's less hairy ones so they can have a brighter, less emotional future! :)
ReplyDeleteI have a single, long chin whisker, like a witch in a fairy tale, and it's Chris's job to never, never, never let me forget to pluck. Oh, the things we do for love!
ReplyDeleteStill, I think you should sue that dentist.