Monday, October 5, 2009

Junk In My Trunk

(Update: I forgot the mucho importante picture the first time around, but it's there now for a visual aid. Not a visual aid of ME, but still.)

A confusing thing has been happening lately.

Not anything terribly important or central to daily functioning, but confusing nonetheless.

It's my pants. They don't fit right any more.

Last week, I pulled my favorite jeans on - the ones that are snug but not too tight, flattering in the important areas - but they suddenly looked hideous. Hide your eyes, please don't laugh, scare the children HIDEOUS. Definitely too tight. Far from flattering - more like embarrassing.

Weird, I thought, these aren't loosening up after being in the dryer...weird.

So I pulled some other jeans on, but they looked awful too. 4 pairs of ill-fitting jeans later, I was downright ticked off. WHAT was going on? There were muffin tops and gaping buttons and pinching seams...nothing good. On top of being too tight, it's like the jeans had all shrunk an inch or two, leaving me with high waters cutting off my circulation from knee to hip. WHAT was going on?!

After peeling the last pair of jeans off, I glared at the mirror - still upset that these jeans had somehow changed from good to bad for reasons that I couldn't figure out. My irritated scowl was getting the best of me;I had to look away. The first place my eyes landed was my hips. Then my thighs.

I frowned.

I pivoted and saw my rear. I gasped.

I'm...filling out.

It's really not that confusing when you take into account my love of donuts. This doesn't mean it's any more accepted. But the truly confusing part is that my weight hasn't changed - it's only shifted around on my now-softer body.

There is one benefit so far. It became immediately necessary for me to go jeans shopping. I was pumped. My jeans looked so frighteningly awful that it would have been a crime if I didn't find at least one new pair, so I took myself to the mall and started gathering prospects. It's been a while since I last went jeans shopping. A while, as in, about 4 years: before Mia was born. My body had changed immensely over the course of two pregnancies and I wasn't exactly sure what size I would even need. I couldn't remember what size the too-tight jeans were. 2? 4? 6? Seriously, I was at a loss.

Roaming through the racks, I picked up a few cute pairs in a variety of sizes. I thought the twos looked the most like they would fit, but I grabbed some fours just in case. I like to cover my bases. Apparently, the style now is for skinny legs - what I've always considered MOM JEANS. These skinny jeans were everywhere - almost so prevalent that I couldn't find anything else - so I put some on my pile and made for the fitting rooms.

I was assaulted with the view of my changing shape in the mirror again , so I quickly pulled the first pair of jeans on to save my ego. Rather, I tried to pull them on. I'd grabbed the size two skinny leg jeans and they couldn't actually qualify as clothing - they didn't go past my thighs. Trouble. Those jeans had looked just my size. But that was OK. I'm a mom. Size two is in my past.

Next up? Size 4.

Next down? Size 4. No dice. These went all the way up, but caused an awful pinching pain when I tried to button them. So weird.

Packing up my selection of sizes, I headed back out to the sales floor for the next size up. And to rid myself of the skinny jeans. I didn't like the feeling of my knees being squeezed by jeans just when I was looking for more room and comfort. This time, I grabbed the sixes. Fully expecting them to be too big. I was sure I'd need to go to a different store where the fours fit me better.

Back in the fitting room, I slipped into the sixes and I think I uttered an audible sigh of contentment. There was no squeezing. No pinching. Definitely no muffin-topping. All was well, except they were too long. And really, what could I expect from a brand of jeans that shared a name with a fashion magazine? Look at this tag:

To fit into these jeans as they're cut, I'd have to grow legs up to my collarbone. But they felt so comfortable (as well as being affordable) that I could justify getting them hemmed to my length.

When I got them home and pulled them out of the bag to show Justin my fabulous new jeans, I was stunned at how laaaaarge they looked. I unfolded them....and unfolded them...and unfolded them some more. These things just kept going, and the backside seemed to take up more space than I should have been able to fill up. I quickly snatched them back into the bag, embarrassed for Justin to see how BIG these pants were.

Surprisingly, he didn't notice. Do husbands ever? Don't their eyes just glaze over while they pretend to admire our purchases? At least I'll be less embarrassed in jeans that fit me right, as opposed to some my old tight pants that might as well be a second skin. I'm good with that.

So here I am. Feeling good about my bigger jeans.

Feeling womanly.

But if I start feeling any more womanly, steer me gently away from the donuts.


  1. Way to go for feeling good about the bigger jeans! Um, but wait- did you say they're size 6? Six... as in the number before 7? Hold on while I backtrack through my fashion archive and try to remember the last time I fit into size 6's (what was it... 10th grade?) :)

    P.S. Someone should be paying you to write because how many people can talk about shopping for jeans and make it this hilarious?! You could probably chronicle paint drying and it would be a bestseller. Just sayin'.

  2. After 2 babies in less than 2 years and a love for all things chocolate, I, too, need jump up a size or two in my jeans.
    So glad you're comfy in a new pair of jeans... I may just quit blaming my dryer and go shopping this weekend now...

  3. My cousin recently had a baby so I inherited all of her jeans since her post baby body is so different. I'm wearing them loud and proud while I can.

    I'm 6' so I NEVER have jeans too long. I've been preparing for the great flood for 24 years.

  4. You're a brave woman to blog about your barely controlled love of donuts and your size 6 jeans all in the same post! But, since I'm sitting at the computer with a brownie in hand and not a pair of jeans to my name, I'm cool with that.

    Glad you found something that fits!

  5. I'd love to cry with you, but a size 6 jean would be a HAYDAY for

  6. Oh my gosh, I could have written this post . . . except that I haven't actually gotten off my butt and shopped for the size sixes yet.

    I have been a four for the past few years and have loved it. Alas, my relationship with sweet tea has pushed me back up the scale, and I have the exact same muffin top you so aptly describe. I think I will get off my butt and drive an hour tomorrow to a store and buy some new jeans so I can experience that sigh of relief and comfort you've made me crave now. Thanks!

  7. I cannot tell you how much I can relate to you right now :) I weigh exactly the same amount now as I did pre-pregnancy but the hip/gluteus maximus area just isn't the same.

    I blame it on the pregnancy.

    Oh yes, and the donuts :)

    And FYI if you ever fit into a pair of size 2 skinny jeans...well, I don't think we can be friends :)

  8. Yeah okay I've felt the SAME way about my pants the past few weeks. So... I joined a cheap gym. Because I KNOW I'm out of shape, it just doesn't usually actually show on my body. Hopefully I can actually be disciplined about it!

  9. I love how you make a story about shopping for jeans so funny! This is one reason I love my all-skirt wardrobe. I only have one or two skirts that I had to ditch after having a baby. They were hard to wriggle on over my hips before, and now they just won't go.

    And I wouldn't complain if I were you...gosh. If I EVER could wear a size 2, it was when I was about eight years old. At this point, if I wore jeans it would be an 8 or 10.

  10. Lenae - I'll let you pay me :) Twist my arm.

    Sidnie - Yes! Go shopping! Don't look at the sizes, just get something that feels good instead of like you're at a meat-packing facility :)

    Chelsea - HA! Great flood. You crack me up.

    Emily - I think I can smell your brownies from here...

    Katie - Oh, I'm not really crying. It's all good, I realize I'm lucky to be this size at all. Which is why I inhale donuts while I still can. Gimme a few years and I might change my tune.

    Beck - When you go shopping, make sure to blog about it - I have no doubt something hilarious will happen and make me cry with laughter :)

    Amy - Well then, I guess there IS an upside to being out of size 2's!

    Kacie - Impressive! You'll do great :) I hear gyms are wonderful they have a snack bar in there?

  11. ha! I saw the heading to this post and thought "No way...she has to be talking about cleaning out her car.."
    but nope. It was a booty post! Hilarious.

  12. I love reading your blog. Your writing is amazing. I too have had the jean shape shifter. My jeans in fact keep shifitng shape, hmmm and I do not eat doughnuts. We have has cool weather and so out they came yesterday. I went through two pair before the next one did fit. I must have big butt jeans, big hip jeans, skinny leg, and smaller waist jeans in my closet. I have a selection for depending on what my body decides to shift into for awhile I will have jeans that will do. I did use the pregnancy thing for awhile but after 26 almost 27 years, it does not work anymore. So use it now and as you change into the womanly body, like the one I have now, enjoy. For it goes by in a flash. Soon you will be happy to just get out of bed and get some kind of clothing on your body.

  13. Oh size 6...I'm sure I will never see you again after yet another insult to my midsection (otherwise known as a baby. That's just what I like to call my children these days).

    You're so funny Sarah! I'm sure you look great in your size 6 jeans!

  14. Gracious...I know the feeling. I think going through my jeans and marking down all the (double-digit) sizes to (6) would give me enough "relief" until I'm actually a size(6)for real. Wait...I'm talking like there is hope...aaaaand I'm not so sure of that. I did hafta get a new pair of jeans post-preggo...and I noticed how huge the butt looked...and groaned. blegh.

  15. I waved at the size 6 as I zoomed past it long ago. I would have liked to stay and visit for an extended period but another size called my name. Enjoy your stay.

  16. Great story! I'm having a similar problem after having the first baby. I finally cleaned out my closet, and although I have lost all but 2 pounds of my pregnancy weight, I knew I should keep my "fat day" clothes handy (the jeans that fit especially well when I'm bloated). So I tried those on first, thinking how great I would feel to see the looseness. But oh no, my belly (though flatter than it's been in months) is still squishy! What do you call a reverse muffin top (with the puff concentrated in the center of the front side)?

  17. I am picturing your horror at unfolding a pair of my jeans.

    *begins new eating disorder*

  18. My size 14 ass scoffs at your size 6's...but seriously, I feel your pain. Where did this tummy come from?

    It's back on the exercise wagon I go. While I'm there, enjoy an extra doughnut for me, okay?

    oof. my stomach just growled at the thought...

  19. I have the same problem although...size six was what I wore in highschool. Sizes shmizes though, aparently we all go through the same stuff....I just recently discovered spanx (wonderful!!!) and am in need of some that give a butt lift-I hear they are out there. Just ignore the sizes, isn't it great to have something new that fits?

  20. You went nearly 4 years without buying jeans?! 4 years and 2 babies and you just now are having to get into a new pari. Congrats to you. And size 6 is considered tiny by most everyone.

    There is nothing like the perfect pair of jeans.

  21. I have to echo everyone else and say that if six 6 is a large size for you...well, then just know that millions of women in America, myself included, would LOVE to fit into a pair of size 6s ever, much less after two kids! Don't feel bad about your body!


Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?