Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Toddler Experience: Getting Dressed

As told by LJ, 15 months.

First, we get NAKED!! Naked! Naked! Naked!

You'll never understand this freedom, mama. The wad of diaper is suddenly dislodged from its unrighteous placement, and the air...oh, the air. My legs are free from restriction, and I must positively RUN!

Wait, what?

You talkin' to me? I'm not coming back to you! You must be crazy if you think I'm gonna stop...guh.

So fine. You got me. I can still make this fun.

Aaaahhhh yes. The air has set me free and now I've set my bladder free. Heehee. Haha. Chuckle. Where are you running off to? Oooh, a chase? Yesssss!

Uh-oh, can't catch me sucka! Whoops. Guess that pee is still a little wet on my feet, makes the running a bit tricky in the kitchen. Good thing you brought a towel. So you got me again. Unfair advantage and all, but whatever.

Hey did you know that if I throw myself backwards really fast as you're carrying me to the bedroom, I can make you say this awesome word about a holy whatchamajig? I can't pronounce it myself, but wait - throwing in 3 - 2 - 1 - ...augh...and THERE it was! Hahaha. You almost ran us into the wall that time. Well I'm pinned to you now, but I'll try it again later.

Oh, yes! The bed is the best place for playing! Hold on...you're holding me down...you want me to be still? Alright. Look, see? I'm perfectly still, you can ease up now.

Booyah! Haha, had you there didn't I! I'm rolling - I'm flopping - I'm bouncing - I'm - well it's fun, though, right?! You don't smile much anymore, mama. How come?

Ugh. Here comes the new diaper. You'll smile about that. I know there's something really boring coming when you smile at me like that. You open your eyes wide, and start talking like I'm a newborn. It's a dead giveaway, mom. Diapers are dull, no matter how 'fun' you try to make them sound. But you know what is fun? Helicopter legs! WOOHOO!! If I get a good head start, I can flip myself right over and - sigh - it's almost like you expected me to try that. I'm gonna have to get some new moves. I guess it is somewhat entertaining to watch you fold yourself in half to pin me down with a leg while you reach for the diaper cream.

That stuff actually feels nice. It's like a massage, only - HEY! watch where you're putting that MOTHER! Yeah, I remember the 'thermometer' incident. I've got my eye on you, momsie.

Now that you've almost got the diaper all the way attached...BAM! Did you see that arch? My belly was WAY up in the air!! I'm getting some good flexibility these days. You don't seem impressed...ohhhh - I see. The diaper cream's on your bedspread now. Well, you've gotta wash it sometime. I think I peed on it a few days ago anyway; didn't dad tell you?

Sigh. Commando time is over. I'm diapered again, are you happy now? What are you looking for? Oh, the socks? I tossed them behind the headboard a few minutes ago. Surprised you didn't notice that one. I'm quicker than I thought. Or you're just getting less observant. How old are you now?

Now for the pants. These aren't my favorites mom, what's the big idea? Iwon'twearthemIwon'twearthemIwon'twear - Well, for an old lady, your reflexes are still quick. I was kicking with everything I had, there.

Sweet! Are we done now? Cause I left a piece of nectarine on the bathroom floor earlier. I've worked up an appetite with all this - SHIRT!? NO NO NO! The head hole on this one is way too tight and I always -

Waaahhhh! Aiiiiiighhhhh! Waaahhhh! I always get STUCK! Fine, fine, a hug and some sweet talk is all well enough after the fact. But next time can't we skip it altogether? I'll behave, I promise. Snuffle. I think deep down you get some satisfaction from seeing my huge head emerge from a too-small opening. You seem amazed that nothing gets ripped. Why is that?

Now is it over? I've been through enough, and you have some pee to clean up if I remember right, so let's just - ARMS TOO?! Wait! I can't fold that way! There's NO HOLE! There's NO HOLE! I'll have to push my way out hard enough to make a hole right here up by the neck...waaahhh! Aiiiiiighhhhh!

Oh. I see what you were aiming for. But there can't possibly be another similar arm hole in the opposite side of the shirt, DON'T TRY IT! IT'S A SCAM! Waaahhh! Aiiiiiighhhhh!

Oh. Well I never expected that. I swear the shirt seemed armless from my point of view. I was trapped there for a minute, huh? Close call.

Now. NOW. Where was I? Yessss! This bed is HUGE! It just goes on, and on, and - HEY, why are you grabbing my ankle so tightly? Man, you sure did jump across this whole bed pretty quick. For a senior citizen, I mean. And I was almost to the edge, too. Jeez.

7 comments:

  1. Your LJ and my Eli just might be soulmates because this described the harrowing experience that is EVERY diaper/clothes changing experience in our house. What's so sad about it all is that my firstborn was a pure ANGEL about changing... he'd lay back and fold his arms under his head like he was tanning on a beach somewhere. P.S. Good job saving her life there at the end... or at least saving her from a possible ER visit (those are fun, yeah?) She'll thank you later :)

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  2. Love it! I often have the same battle with Savannah and I'm sure she has those exact thoughts ha ha!
    Although some may believe different-mothering is a lot of physical work!

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  3. My daughter says the same things!

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  4. So funny! Riley is just getting into this phase. However, think of how terrifying it must be every time the poor things have to put a shirt on...nothin' like holding a baby hostage in their own garments!

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  5. Ha ha! It's like you're describing my son at that age! And, um.... NOW. :)

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  6. This is great, and you really captured bathtime! Maureen isn't talking yet, but I hear you on the wriggling and the running.

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  7. LOL - I really enjoyed reading this!

    Shelley
    Confirm The Work of Our Hands

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?