Saturday, April 25, 2009

Licensed To Kill

Earlier this week as I was lying on my bed reading during the girls' naptime, (what, you expected something productive during naps?) something caught the corner of my eye. High on the wall near the ceiling, was a bug.

Not merely a bug, though. A million-legged, long-antennaed, fuzzy-haired, alien-spawned creature that moved along the wall quicker than seemed possible. It was silver and graceful, and despite it's smallish size I froze, stifling a scream.

I hate bugs. Spiders and crickets are the worst, but whatever this creepy thing was had claimed the top spot at that moment.

The only thing I hate more than bugs? Smashing bugs. Surely as soon as I'm close enough to get within killing distance, hundreds of tiny eyes will have noticed what I'm up to. I'm absolutely positive that the bug will then jump on me, and try to kill me first. So I usually rely on my trusty bug killer/knight in shining armor to save me from the killer bugs.

But this time, Justin wasn't home to deal with it so I had to suck it up and get rid of the thing. No way was I going to leave it alone and hope for the best. How could I sleep in that room ever again knowing this terrible bug was lying in wait? What if, due to some congestion, I had to mouth-breath during sleep, and that evil bug crawled....

Never mind. I'm this close to giving myself a nightmare.

I grabbed the biggest shoe I could find. The moment I started moving around, the alien bug stopped. Like it wanted to keep an eye (or a hundred eyes?!) on my clumsy human movements. It had come to a halt directly over the mirror above our dresser - way out of my reach. I would have to straddle the space between the bed and the dresser, and launch myself at the bug all while maintaining precision accuracy in my smashing aim. If I missed and the bug went into hiding or worse - jumped at me - I was sure I would pee myself. The more I thought about what I'd have to do, the more frightened I became. I was shaking. Sweat beads popped out on my upper lip. I was startled to realize I had begun giving myself a pep talk - out loud.

Just DO it Sarah. You HAVE to. Do it NOW.

I turned my head away quickly for one last deep breath before I jumped, praying the bug wouldn't escape while my eyes were squinched shut. It didn't.

I jumped.

I screamed.

The shoe landed directly on the target, with a thud and a crunch.

The adrenaline and momentum that had propelled me up and over waned immediately, and I shook as I lowered myself to the floor from the top of the dresser. I peeked at the bottom of the shoe to make absolutely sure the bug was dead.


The bottom of the shoe was clean. Empty.

No, I'm just kidding.

The bug was there, unrecognizable as it was. I was shaking so badly that I was sure the shoe would drop and the bug would use up it's last bit of nerve power to crawl up my leg. Before I even knew it had happened, though, I was at the back door, throwing it open, chucking the shoe onto the porch, and slamming the door shut again. I locked it with finality, and did a full body shiver.

I really hate bugs.

Is something CRAWLING ON ME?


  1. I can relate. Thursday night I got home and was talking to the babysitter when my eye caught a wasp in the dining room. For me, it's the stinging creatures that scare me the most and I had just been stung (for the first time in my life, mind you) this past week. I was in no mood to share my home! So, after kissing my boys and tightly closing their doors (after all, my greatest fear was the wasp getting mad and going for them to spite me!), I spent the next 30 minutes nearly killing it only to end up with it going into hiding where I had to keep an eye on the place I knew it was until Jim got home and finally took care of it. It's amazing how much energy those little creatures can take! And really, they probably would like to avoid us as much as we'd like to avoid them...but I just can't count on it!

  2. Oh yuck. Those silver thousand legged wiggly antenae bugs are the stuff of my nightmares too. I also recently found one on the wall of my bedroom. I hate knowing that it was in there and there could be more!
    Today we found a huge bumble bee crawling around the playroom. I dropped a phone book on it, stomped all over it, and then left it there waiting for my husband to save us later.


Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?