Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Commentary on the Right Now

If I were posting regularly right now, I feel like my posts would be so predictable as to even feel like I'm bragging.  Or proclaiming myself for martyrdom.  Because here's what I would say, each and every day:

You guys, I am under water.  I don't know where the minutes go when they go, but they go, and I'm still under water. 

It's one of those things I don't like to mention because it almost feels like I'm slapping you, my friends, in your pretty cheeks; you're busy too, right?  So why is it okay for me to whine?  You, with the full-time job, and you, with your volunteer work, and you, with your homemade Halloween costumes, and you, with your medical issues, and you, with your deployed spouse -- 

You feel more important than me, with my messy house and growing kids.  I accomplish almost nothing all day -- nothing but the basics -- and I lay myself down at night and I don't feel extra-worn out, necessarily, but there's a nagging feeling that I'm leaving something off.  The feeling that I'm forgetting to do something very important.

Maybe that something is writing, because, let's face it, I need to spill my beans on a regular basis or they pile up and scatter across the floor I just finished sweeping.  Maybe that something is relaxation because, also facing it, I rush for most parts of each day. 

There are only so many chances to get to the grocery store between baby-naps and preschooler-pickup and first-grader-pickup and dinner prep and ballet and gymnastics, and, and...  And none of those chances include a spare second to really think about my thoughts.  So maybe the something I'm forgetting, the very important something, is attention. 

But no -- that can't be right.  I'm paying so very much attention to these darlings --



Sometimes I think I must be doing this wrong.  If I'm so behind and under and rushing and unable to catch hold of some spare minutes, I must be doing this wrong.  I must be a complete rookie, right?  Frazzled and thoughtless and late, perpetually late?  There are other moms who are better at this than I am, and they are calm.  They can find a stillness in which to lounge or think or write.  And they probably would tell me that it has to be cultivated and prioritized --

But Mia comes tiptoeing down the hallway in her pajamas -- I don't know it until I hear her small voice echoing down the wooden staircase.  The house is finally quiet after the day's little explosions, except: You forgot to sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow, mama.  She is not accusatory, nor is she beseeching, nor is she demanding.  She is simply there, stating a truth and wondering why the song disappeared.  It is my first alone minute in the past fourteen hours, but this little ritual, this origin of a memory, it beckons. 

I peel myself off the couch. 

And I tell myself that I am not doing this wrong, no; I'm maybe hopefully doing this as right as I know how, which is to fall into the rush and just let myself be swept along for the time being.  It's short and it's breathtaking, and I might not have the time to write.  Or the will.  Or the desire.  It's alright, because this is my correct and this is my song that cannot disappear, even if I forget to sing it.

Maybe. 

4 comments:

  1. I can only blub blub in agreement from my new normal underwater home.

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  2. Oh hon, don't be comparing yourself to others... because you don't see where they feel THEY'RE being total slackers. And also, being a mom is friggin' hard, right? And it's a 24/7 job. You don't get nights, weekends, or holidays off. The benefits are amazing, but from what I hear, the hours suck.

    When you said that maybe there's something you're forgetting and that it's attention, I was totally NOT thinking about attention for your kids, but rather, attention for yourself. It sounds like that's very much what you need, and before you can even write, you just need to breathe for a moment and have a breath of calm for yourself. If so, I hope you find it. Even if it means getting a babysitter so you can have an afternoon just for you, it might be worth it so you can recharge your batteries and get back to feeling centered and taking care of you. You're important too, you know.

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  3. Ummmm...yeah...we are all feeling a tad, shall I say stretched and it doesn't matter what you do, each person has their own level of busyness and "Groundhog Day" type days. It doesn't make it any less stressful, it's just different. I have to say that my weekdays are pretty predictable. Gym, morning chaos, school/work, evening chaos, dinner, stories, fall into bed. OVER and OVER, but it's those momments like you mentioned the "sing me that song mama" moments that make all that Groundhog day crap bearable. So you are not doing anything wrong and I like Jade believe that the only thing missing is time for YOU!! So I'm giving you permission for an hour to be a slacker, to watch lame TV or read a book or hell just sit and stare at picture of Ryan Gosling all day whatever makes you happy and you might just find what you think was missing.

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  4. Sarah.

    I stated with a period because I don't know where to begin or where to end, but I am underwater and I understand your feeling completely. It is ok to feel this way, even though you are doing what you do perfectly and nobody but you has a real expectation of your personal writing space. Your loyal, avid readers will come no matter what.. no matter when and your voice will always be heard.

    But right now your voice needs to be heard at home and... it is important.

    Fact. :)

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?