I want to reel in all of my dangling lines and shake the bait off into the water, watching it drop into what will become the center of a black hole. I'm tired of trying to catch a big catch or tempt a wandering eye.
The sharing of my story is beginning to feel like an inhibitor to the living of my story. And who am I, that I should share? Maybe I'm a private girl after all, and I just want to sit on the dock and watch the waves sweep towards the shore.
There is a boy in Mia's class who calls her gorgeous and a girl in Lauren's class with whom she wants to be best friends forever, notwithstanding the friendship these two sisters share, sitting on the same loveseat, legs tangled into knots, discussing the merits of halloween costumes. Landon lets go of my legs where he's been clinging and then he's standing -- all alone -- like a pillar of capable squishiness, until he notices he's come untethered and sits heavily down, crying to be held. My biceps and triceps and other -ceps are well-defined right now, from carrying and lifting so constantly, and it occurs to me that I should take pictures of myself like a bodybuilder, minus the tan, to prove to my future soft-armed self that I was once strong. But then there are those days that I have sole care of the kids from sunup to sundown and beyond, all the while cooking and cleaning and erranding, and I remember that my strength lies in more than that which can be photographed. So I fall into bed and dream erratic dreams and burrow into Justin's shoulders where he's curled away from me.
Each day is nudged by one thousand crests and tides, and I want to see them. I don't want to feed them to the computer, where they might be eclipsed by other people's waves, or worse -- ignored. As long as I keep them just for me, they are magnificent swells, foaming after a crashing decent.
Update: I've almost convinced myself to take this post down or change it to be less whiny and grumpy. Nobody's forcing me to write, there's no mafia going to hunt me down if I suddenly quit being online. But it's a strange sensation -- wanting to record and share, yet also wanting...not to. Anyway, I'll leave this post as-is. Maybe some of you can relate?
Every Thursday, we come together to share the harvest of intentional living by capturing a glimpse of the Bigger Picture through a simple moment. Join the Bigger Picture Community at Brook's place today! Reflect upon something simple — or simply magical — that’s resonated with you this week, then share it with us!