Am I concerned? I wonder. The world seems concerned: Thirty is ripe for depression and disappointment and regret. Do I regret? Am I disappointed?
But I am not any of those things as I stare down my next birthday. I am not concerned, but...
Shouldn't I feel more like my life is chafing around the edges by now? Like the years behind me were the fruit and all that's left is an empty vine?
I stop. I look to my left. There is Lauren, my middle child, tapping her shoes in her big sister's tap shoes. Hands on hips and smile on lips. She is fruit, and she is my fruit, and she is sweeter than any taste I might have had a dozen years ago.
I look to my right. There is Mia, my first baby, picking out words on a page to make a story. Her voice halts, she tries again, she is proud of success. She is fruit, and she is my fruit, and she is more precious than any experience I hold in my past.
I look in my arms. There is Landon, my tiny boy, wrestling his toes with one dimpled fist. Bubbling lips blow experiments into the air. He is fruit, and he is my fruit, and his future is more wondrous than my history. It is still to be had.
I look up, and there is Justin, my best friend, laughing with me about the chaos of this orchard. His eyes glow and his voice is rich with hope. Together, we have plans and dreams and unspoken vitality, and it includes these children and it exists beyond these children.
We have life here, and it is not an empty vine. New sweetnesses are filling the empty spaces, and will keep doing so again and again, unprompted, unscripted, unbidden.
So I know it to be true: I am not concerned.
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How do you make me cry every single time, Sarah? I know that these words that you write are true. When listening to your voice- I hear it. You are a strong and wonderful woman. And Gosh how I love this line "She is fruit, and she is my fruit, and she is sweeter than any taste I might have had a dozen years ago." It reduced me to a puddle of sweet goo. I feel the same way for my children and for my hubbster.
ReplyDeleteAnd... the bloggy/writer crush continues to grow. I hope you get older because within those years the words will drop from that same vine, and I'm kinda drunk with your perspective of life. Just sayin...
xo!
Alita
Well, Alita, let's just hold each other and cry for a minute, because your sweetness makes me get teary, too! We're a mess :) But seriously, thank you so much for your building-up words.
ReplyDeleteLove ya, girlie!
Such a gift! And...from where I sit (at 51), with the perspective that you so beautifully describe, it does just keep getting better and fuller and richer! This is so inspiring!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear it, Adrienne! I just hope I don't take anything for granted. Sometimes writing it all out helps me remember :)
DeleteDon't be concerned. 30 is good. Really good. So is 31 and 32 and 33....
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, the fruit is here, now.
I knew I could count on some other 30-lovers out there :)
DeleteThis metaphor is ripe and perfect. We all reap what we've sewn. We must cherish and savor it -- especially when the fruit is our families.
ReplyDeleteCherish and savor -- exactly! Thank you for visiting, Kelly, and for your kindness!
Delete30 was a major turning point for me, when I left my old life behind to start anew and I've never looked back. I was ripe for change and here I am, not regretting it one bit. Enjoy this new decade. It's my favorite one yet!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm about to step onto the party-car of a super cool train. I'm glad to hear that this decade is worth so much joy -- thanks, Justine!
DeleteYES!!! 30 is GREAT. I loved my 30's it was a time for growing and evolving. No more worrying about money or school, just being with my family. It was awesome. Now I'm just preparing myself for the 40's. :-)
ReplyDeleteAhhhh...isn't it funny the different paths we take. I am reading this and it's so moving and I am thinking "at 30 I was still a wanderer, still figuring out what the heck I was doing. Hitched to my college sweetheart but still making too much trouble to really settle down together." And I loved every moment of it. And here you are with your babies and your "heavenly life" and loving every moment of it. This bumpy ride...it's different for all of us. But SO amazing, hmmm?
ReplyDeleteHappy 30th.
Best,
Tina
Oh, Sarah, this is beautifully worded and expressed and shared. Perfect analogy. It also makes me think of John 15, which is my new favorite verse, and so I hear God-whispers from your words today, and I am filled with gratitude for them, for you.
ReplyDeleteWait. Are you turning 30? Weren't you *just* teasing me about turning 30? Oh, the possibilities!
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I'm glad you're not worried. You have so much ahead of you. You're just getting started with your life! And there's plenty of time for your sweet, growing "fruits" to ripen and for your vine to surprise you with an entirely different kind of harvest. It's exciting when you think about it, isn't it? All the adventures you have left! :-)
All I can say is don't be concerned. I turned 40 a few years back and it is way better then 30.
ReplyDeleteI love that you are unconcerned! Feel the fullness of life and celebrate. We are lucky. We are blessed. Thank you too for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteOh an empty vine. I read that and I shuddered. I don't ever want to think of my years ahead in that way. What would I have to live for? And I know, like you, that I have such rich, sweet life to live for. Knowing this, I, too, am not concerned. :)
ReplyDelete