Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Collected Rainbows

I hate being busy. 

The way things pile up around me, needing to be done.  They're stern-faced tasks, some of them.  But some are sweet, happy obligations.  No matter; I hate being busy.

And this week has been gutted of time.  I stepped one foot over the edge of last week, expecting to slowly wade into a gentle, ankle-lapping stream, but instead I've plunged, sprawling, into a hidden dropoff.  I can't feel the bottom, and I can't stop tumbling.

I should be making tonight's dinner right now -- at nine o'clock in the morning -- because my afternoon is sectioned off already into things that cannot be ignored. 

Oh, but I'm good at ignoring.  I procrastinate with insane dedication, until simple busyness becomes a frightful, stressful week.

Which is what has become of this week.

And at the coffee table, my Lauren is playing with tiny, pinkish dolls.  She is proud because she got dressed so quickly this morning in one of my favorite outfits -- a wide, swirling, fiesta skirt with a matching top.  The matching part is irregular; she usually chooses color with abandon.  Like she's collecting rainbows on her person.

She speaks under her breath to the dolls, making distinct voices for each.  Imbuing them with personality and intention and relationship.  I see the slope of tiny shoulders and the tips of tiny, busy fingers.  But they're suddenly huge.  Only in a flash, for one part of a second, I see her for what she is:

a little girl.  Growing.


And today is the last day I will ever call her three years old.  She'll be four in the wee hours of tomorrow morning, before we stretch away from our sleep.  I'll greet a four-year-old at breakfast. 

I don't see that she's been the better part of four for months now.  I don't see that days have all added up to a culmination; I only see that the number is flipping from little to big.

I've been so busy with making party preparations and meeting the nonstop needs of life that it takes me somewhat by surprise, today.

Three.

Four.

There is a flowering meadow between the two, opening into collected rainbows of color and reaching to the sun.  And I might have been too busy to notice.

18 comments:

  1. Four! :) It is a good year. Also, it is impossible that you have been too busy to notice darling. You are a WONDER-FULL mama. Your bambinas are always in your full gaze. Their rainbows bedazzle you every second that you are awake.

    Nick has been saying Dom is 5 now for the past month. He is 4! I hold firm. He will NOT be 5 until August. 4...4...4 - So remind me to look toward the "flowering meadow between the two" because I'm sure I will much like you.

    Have fun CELEBRATING!!!

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    1. I HOPE they are always in my full gaze -- I do try for that to be true. It's all too good to miss. And NO! Dom is still 4! 5 is such a BIG kid age, you know? And I think you're seeing the flowering meadow beautifully -- your love is evident everywhere!

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  2. This is a lovely post. Collecting rainbows on her person - I love it. Also, my Iris was four on Sunday; funny our girls are exactly the same age! Good luck getting some things done today while still taking time to enjoy your little ones.

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    1. Thank you, Sarah! Happy Birthday to your Iris, too!

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  3. Oh, 4! 4! so big. Happy birthday to you both!

    I love how my girl talks for her dolls, voice altered, quietly. She will soon slip past two into three. And even though I have time between now and then, I feel the rsh and surge fiercely,

    I stepped off into the depth too. may the current be calm at least.

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    1. Calm currents are just now starting to take over, and the week is almost out! I'll take what I can get :)

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  4. Holy cow!!! Four?! I can't believe it! It seems like it wasn't that long ago that we were out there and Riley and Lauren were just babies...and now four! You just freaked me out a little. At least I have a few more months until four is upon us!

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    1. Oh, enjoy the last few months of 3! I still see Riley as a baby in my head...

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  5. Love this post, and yes love those moments bittersweet though they are when I see the growth and change personified ~ for me it was this weekend when Lisbeth got on her new 2 wheeler (with training wheels) received for her 4th birthday and pedaled away without fear and barely a look back.

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  6. How do I forget, after these handful of years of connecting with you here, that my Eli and your Lauren have birthdays so close together? Anyway, this seized up my mama-heart, as your writing is particularly effective at doing :) These past few months Ben and I have been noting little surges of maturity in E, and yes, it is exciting and gratifying and so darn nostalgic. His meadow-between-3-and-4 included a move across the world, and his own growth has been just as huge, it seems.

    And Sarah, you can't possibly have missed anything; you love those kids too hard to possibly manage such a thing. Happy Birthday to darling Lauren!

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    1. You are so right about surges of maturity! SURGES. Quick and powerful.

      Did I ever tell you about the dream I had where you and I switched Lauren & Eli? It didn't last long -- we both needed our own 3-year-olds back! Silly dream :)

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  7. Oh, you... and your words... always getting me right in my heart and making me cry a little bit!

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    1. You know I aim to make you cry ;) But I'm glad you liked it!

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  8. I love this. I was out of town for several days and got back home the evening before my Lily's fourth birthday, last month. It was very strange for some reason. It felt like her birthday rushed up on me and her being 4 was a surprise or something.

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    1. I BET that would throw you off! I feel like I just need to watch them for a few weeks before the big day just to soak in every last minute :)

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  9. Perfect wording in your closing. That flowery meadow will continue to bridge her stages. And I can not believe for a minute that you will miss it, not with your eye for beauty.

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    1. Thank you, May! And if I have an eye for beauty, it's only because beauty is forced on my every second. I just need to make sure I'm opening my eyes in the right direction -- it'll be there ;)

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?