But inside. In the place where I keep my truth -- a silty pearl resting hidden under gritty shells -- I panicked.
I stood one afternoon looking out over a sun-drenched back yard through windows that radiated heat. Family was all around me and we'd just found out that the sweet baby nestled under my heart would be -- already was, in fact -- a boy. There were hearty congratulations and squeals of joy. But I stood alone once it all settled down, my arms wrapped around my ribs, my smile hard and still. I almost couldn't breathe through the stress of the masquerade.
Just me and my fear and the radiating windows, watching kids play in the late-spring sun.
My pearl of truth was terrified. How could I possibly be a mother to a boy? Do I even like boys? All I know are girls... Protected on the outside by my false cheeriness, I quaked. Little fault lines raced along the mineral surface over my truth. It's shameful to admit, I know. But it was there, for several days -- weeks? -- as I struggled to come to terms with my doubt.
And do people ever talk about this? The world-shatter of news that is at once welcome and fearsome?
But when he smiles -- when he gurgles, when he yawns, when he sighs -- I go warm and slow with love. I stare with my jaws slack and my lips round with awe. This baby, this perfect boy, is mine.
Ours, rather. I claimed sole ownership of the doubt and fear, but we all claim his sweetness. It's so overflowing that if I saved it all for myself, I'd surely burst.
I don't discount the quakes and shivers from before. But I can't quite grasp, anymore, what I was so worried about. Only acknowledge that my feelings were real, if fraught with unnecessary drama.
There was nothing to fear; he is only a sweet baby boy. At the same time, he is more than a baby boy.
He is my baby boy. Such a small, life-changing distinction.
I feel like I've arrived.
This month for Bigger Picture Moments, we're encouraging you to explore the beauty and simplicity of LOVE. Let the Valentine's hearts and rosy colors cloud your words as you share your moments -- a memory, a confession, a proposal, a feeling -- and link up. Jade is hosting today; please head over to share your moment and read others!