Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Mind Control

Because tomorrow is the first day of school for both my kindergartner and my preschooler, you can probably just about imagine my state of mind at present.  Unless you're a normal, well-adjusted person.  In which case, I can inform you that my state of mind is chaotic and panicked and tear-drenched. 

It's partly because I'm worrying about all the wrong things: my mind is occupied in a thousand different unproductive directions that are totally out of my control.  From how we'll handle homework or social difficulties, to anxiety over the position of the baby (who is due to arrive in 7 weeks, give or take) and how that will affect my desired delivery, to how we'll handle two ballet lessons each week along with everything else that the new school-year and new baby require.

See?  It's harrowing and daunting and mind-blowing. 

At least it is for this mama.

(Oh -- one more thing: I feel like I need to get started on Halloween costumes RIGHT NOW, because our October is likely to be filled with all things baby and postpartum adjustment.)

But the truth is, if I'd just wipe the slate of my mind clean for a moment, I could focus on what actually needs to get done.  And for today, the day before school starts, that's not a lot.  I need to make sure my way-too-old daughters have their favorite dresses clean and ready for the morning.  I need to get everything laid out for tomorrow's breakfast and lunch so we'll have plenty of time to bask in the excitement of school-day preparations without feeling rushed.  I need to go to bed early. 

And really, most of that is negotiable.  Maybe the dresses are vital, because my girls are quite serious when it comes to choosing dresses.  But the rest?  We could be rushed.  I could be tired.  I hope for otherwise, but the day would still get accomplished if I had to scramble a bit. 

The thing is, in all of this anxiety and worry and teary-eyed joy/fear, the day is passing me by.  The chance to be with my girls fully in the moments that lead up to tomorrow morning is fleeting.  We only have the afternoon now.  And I want it to be fun.  Sweet.  Nothing necessarily memorable or huge, just calm and enjoyable. 

Without my own doubts clouding the skies, the sun has a chance to break through and light up the smiles on my girls' faces.  Without my winds of thought rushing around carelessly, the air can settle long enough that I may talk to my daughters about how they're feeling. 

Tomorrow is not about me, as much as it feels that way right now.  It is about them.  It's about their growth and excitement, and probably just a smattering of their own fears. 

I'm taking the afternoon off from mind-consuming circles of getting-nowhere contemplation.  High five me if you dare; my hands will probably be sweaty with repressed emotion.

But tomorrow morning when they're both snugged away in new classrooms?  I'll need your high-five to turn into a hug.  Seriously. 

9 comments:

  1. Hang In there, mama!! I've absolutely been there -- sending hugs... I bet writing it out is helping you process all of this. And I have a feeling you will handle everything on your plate with love -- and isn't that really all we need?

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  2. Oh, yes. Hugs.

    They will be fine. You'll take it one day at a time, one problem at a time, often one step at a time. Mostly to keep you brain from running away with you.

    Hugs for tomorrow, fun and whimsy today.

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  3. Sarah, I swear you and I are living the same life right now. I have spent part of my morning browsing for Halloween costumes INSTEAD of playing with my kiddo who starts preschool in just another week and a half. I have also become OBSESSED with making sure we have baby stuff, washing baby stuff, sanitizing baby stuff, etc. Again, as the day passes me by! High fives to you for sure - I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your afternoon. As for the tears, I am sharing a virtual kleenex with you (a clean one straight from the box, not the one I just sobbed all over!)

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  4. A hug is being extended from over 690 miles away. That is indeed a VERY big hug ya know.

    Yes it is about them. Yeas it is about you, too. You can claim that chica. I will on my bambinos first day of school (sept 6th) so HIGH FIVE! And good luck. And I want to see pictures of your little darlings in their back to school dresses.

    PS. I will be full of this very same anxiety on September 5th so remember to return the favor.

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  5. PS. Would a brand new updated banner make you smile? I have the time so I wouldn't mind making one for you. ;)

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  6. Yes, you'll cry. Probably a lot. And you will be so anxious to hear every single detail of what they did while they were away from you. But let's not forget one very important thing here: you will walk away from the school doors all alone! Free! To go get coffee or read a book or take a nap, for goodness sake. You'll have another very demanding new person on your hands soon enough. Enjoy this time!

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  7. Hive fives and squishy hugs and big smiles of encouragement -- everything's going to be okay. And I can't wait to hear all about it!

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  8. I hope your day is going well. I know it is!

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?