Wayward Thoughts

Apparently, getting ready for a trip away from my girls is threatening to fill my head with so many wayward thoughts, it just might explode. But I'm smarter than my head. I shall empty it before it explodes, and then I'll be worry-free for sure.

But you, you poor readers, you may have to quit reading before your head explodes.

------------

:: I have a vague and mostly unacknowledged fear of flying. It's small, but present. Every time I get on a plane, I flash through all the morbid possibilities for disaster until I have to just shut my eyes and think innocent thoughts. Reassuring thoughts.

So this trip, and this somewhere-in-the-back-of-my-mind fear, is scaring me because of my dramatic tendencies. Especially because...


:: I don't want anything to happen to Justin or I in aforementioned, slightly-possible disaster. It makes me just want to break down when I imagine my babies growing up in a world without us. We've done the responsible thing with wills and custody preferences, but still. Every time I stopped to think about what I was doing -- making contingency plans for my kids losing their parents -- I got chills and teary eyes. I got sidetracked, staring off into space for huge chunks of time while I was supposed to be writing our wills, imagining who would raise them best, who would love them like we do, who would tell them stories about their parents, who they'd feel the most comfortable with after such a devastating time.


:: Less of a downer, but still taking up room in my head, is the aching need I have to write detailed schedules and lists for the grandmas who'll be caring for our girls while we're away. I keep getting caught up in particulars that don't really matter. This thought-train happened while I made breakfast today:

Tell them that Lauren uses 2 percent milk on her cereal, but she won't drink it from a cup -- only chocolate milk. Mia can use the 1 percent. And if they get juice, it's only once a day, with a meal, and only about 2 inches in the bottom of a plastic cup. Lauren's getting really good at not spilling from a real cup, and she'll throw a fit if they put juice in a sippy cup -- she likes to be a big girl. But if she DOES throw a fit, for any reason, they should know that she won't stay in a time-out without supervision. She'll dash off the second their backs are turned, so they need to stick right with her. She gets 2 minutes at the end of the hallway. Mia, on the other hand, stays in the middle of her bedroom floor --behind a closed door -- until she's ready to either calm down or be polite. Because that's mostly what she gets in trouble for, being rude. They need to tell her 'I will NOT listen when you speak rudely.' and make sure to follow through with a time out until she straightens up.

And this diatribe took up all of about 3 seconds for me to consider. I was about to go make a note somewhere to include those things in a list for the grandmas, when I stopped myself. It's not like I'm leaving for months or years. We'll be gone for FOUR days. Four. If they get the wrong percent milk, or too much juice....they'll be fine.

I don't think there's enough time to detail all of the ins and outs of my daughters' days if I still expect to get packed in time to leave on Thursday night. And also, I don't think the grandmas would actually read it. By the time they finished reading, the four days would be over.


:: I'm worried about what to wear. I have scarves I don't know how to tie, shoes in which I don't know how to gracefully walk, and a headband that I'm convinced makes me look like a 4-year-old. I do, on the other hand, have some beautiful new pieces which I'm sure will instill me with confidence and effortless style.

Which would look all wrong on me, probably. Sarah the Heavenly? Effortlessly stylish? Never.


:: I need to get Skype set up on my mom's computer so I can see my babies and talk to them several times a day. But I'm worried they'll be upset by seeing their crying mother on the computer screen. Plus, I don't think salty tears are probably good for my netbook.


:: Speaking of tears, I think Mia will be mostly fine while we're gone. Lauren, on the other hand, might be a different story. She's so attached to mama and daddy. So shy. She loves her grandmas, but will they fill her need when she just wants mama?


:: And what if she wakes up in the middle of the night from a nightmare or something, shaking with fear and asking for mama or daddy? If that happens, they probably shouldn't tell me about it. I think flight transfer fees are too expensive for me to fly home early just to console my sweet baby.


:: I'm super excited to see the East Coast! I've never been past Pensacola in the south, as far as eastern travel goes. I can't wait to see the Atlantic ocean. Oh! That reminds me: I have a new bathing suit!


:: I have tentative plans with one of my favorite bloggy friends to meet up for coffee (well, chai tea, in my case) while I'm in her neighborhood. The thing is...I'm nervous. I'm nervous that she'll be forced to recognize me by my red cheeks, that I'll be way less cool in person than I might come across as on my blog (which is already fairly geeky) that I'll say something stupid (pretty much a given), or that I'll sweat through my adorable new outfit by trying so hard not to be nervous.


:: And my mother's day gift was an iPhone! Which has nothing to do with anything, other than that I'm excited to play with it on the trip. Anybody know of an app to help me calm down?

------------

If you're still reading this, you get a prize. And the prize is this:

MWAH! I love ya.

Wish me luck,

Sarah The Neurotic