Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Perfectly Poetical Tuesday (Epic)



Since I wasn't hip to PerPoTues when the Epic poem was assigned, I thought I'd give it my best shot. And it turns out, my best shot isn't really an Epic at all -- just a tale about a harrowing and dangerous adventure: the shaving of legs in the winter. Egad.

Here now, is my Epic. Heavenly style. Good luck to you all.



Listen, ye friends, to the tale
Of the lazy lady in winter.
Of how her excuses grew frail,
when her legs could give off a splinter.

An average lady she was,
Neither terribly dull nor fancy.
But the one area that could give pause,
Was the state of her legs a-prancing.

She'd neglected to shave her lovely limbs
For too many cold winter mornings.
And when the prickles were noticed by him,
Her husband began with the scorning.

Said he:
My lady, My love, My Heavenly girl,
I don't believe I can bear it!
Where once as perfect and smooth as a pearl,
Your legs have grown rough like a ferret!

Please, my darling, please!
You must now tame this thicket!
Here, I've gathered your things:
See?! Your razor, your loofah, your spigot.

Said she:
Goodness, My love, My handsome one,
How have I come to this place?
With terrible speed will I hastily run
To remedy my winter-time laze.

So she uncurled herself from her blankets,
realizing her husband was right.
Her legs gave off sparks like a musket,
Electric static brightened the night.

Upon hopping into the shower,
She quickly became quite stumped.
For there, causing her to cower,
Were a million teensy goosebumps.

She gasped! She sobbed! She whimpered!
She couldn't begin this endeavor!
For, to shave on top of the goose-pimples
Would leave a burning disaster!

Her nimble mind raced, her heartbeat quickened,
she glanced wildly at the door.
But during her pause the soap had thickened,
and she nearly fell to the floor.

"Honey?" she heard down the hall,
"Is everything coming along smoothly?"
"Yes!" she replied, mid-sprawl,
Thinking: I may need your muscle to move me.

Warmed by the near-embarrassment
She resolved to endure the plague.
The blade left a path, like an astringent,
burning her shivering legs.

Is this what it takes? she wondered.
Is this really the thing to be done?
She didn't want to make a blunder,
But almost couldn't bear to go on.

She dug down deep in her coffers;
Her leg hair needed to be shorn.
And eventually she finished, but butchered;
Her poor legs were tortured and torn.

The bathroom air felt Nova Scotian --
she took a moment to regain her composure --
then slathered on a layer of lotion
hoping to assuage the pain with moisture.

Once re-heated by warm woolen clothing,
She managed to ward off the shivers.
Pride had replaced her shave-loathing,
Her curiosity poured forth like a river.

Slowly up-rolling her pant leg,
This newly shaved lady was ready.
Would her skin be as smooth as a goose egg?
Could the pain be redeemed by the shedding?

Before her very eyes she watched
As a bare leg became exposed,
Each pore opened up -- debauched --
And new hairs immediately did grow.

"NO!" she shouted, defeated.
"All my efforts are lost!
If by this frozen air I am greeted,
My follicles will remain star-crossed!"

She doubled up on her resolve
to outlast this wretched cold weather.
Her husband's ideas must simply evolve;
Even if he must cover his own legs in leather.

And so my dear friends, remember
the tale of the wintertime woman:
Her courage, her bravery, her valor,
Her wisdom -- and how it was proven.

For after trying to soften her legs,
She instead made a gentler choice:
To bundle up until winter reneges.
To become hair-free in spring, then rejoice.

18 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! You crack me up!!!

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  2. I LOVE it!! and I am not ashamed to say that Travis is well used to my hairyness by now ha ha!

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  3. Oh my word...TEARS of laughter! You have just made me feel better about the fact that the hairs on my legs are so long they are almost starting to curl! :)

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  4. I'm in the Winter No-Shave Club too :) Holy cow, woman, I can't believe you were able to write a great poem about such a subject! Time to change your blog title to "This Ridiculously Talented and Hilarious Life" :)

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  5. So funny! And great. Good job!

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  6. I am amazed at your ability to write such a long and great poem about not shaving your legs!! I am with Lenae, count me a member of the don't shave club. After all, Spring isn't really that far away!!

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  7. So. Very. Funny. A brave choice for your poetic form AND for the subject manner! I so appreciate your epic honesty!

    After this, Shakespeare will be cake! ;)

    Thanks for playing along!

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  8. I just had my 36-week OB appointment - the first no-pants appointment - put that in your baby book and shove it ; ) I had to shave! And I can barely reach past my knees under good conditions, let alone before my contacts or coffee go in, while cold and wet and slippery... My shower was so much longer than usual that my husband came to check on me. All of which is to say: oh, do I feel you! Awesome poem.

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  9. Fabulous and you've given me a great laugh! I'll join the "no shave" club too - let's do it!

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  10. SO funny... my fav part though is before the poem. Your ode to pinky and the brain... yeah, I caught that. I could imagine you saying it as I read.. hehehe.

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  11. oh, and P.S. I must say I cannot relate much. We have to be ready anytime for a "shorts wearing day". They happen quite often during the winter time here. SO, one good thing about living in the cold! Don't have to shave as much= less razor burn! ;)

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  13. my sister the lady that scour,
    did such things in the shower.
    for when her man did request,
    this toppled the assaignments best.
    and alooking from peering eyes,
    hes got a bottle to trys..
    for out from the bag this pair,
    of bottles labeld with nair!!

    no more blades to touch,
    no more goose pimples on scene.
    for when she used it, alas
    her man just wanted some a$$!!

    Good one sis!!

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  14. Becky - I'm ebarrassed to say...I've never seen pinky & the brain! What did I just say?! I may have to do some youtubing to find out :) Whatever the case, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    Also, I wish I had reason to shave every day. You know, other than not frightening and injuring the Hubs. But, despite the tone of the poem, I DO shave in winter. Just not as often as I should. You're right about the razor burn. And it's even worse in 14 degree weather :) A lil' leg hair keeps a body warm ;)

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  15. You're making me feel bad for complaining about the "cold" here! Yikes! I'd almost forgotten those kinds of showers!

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Hmm...And how did that make you FEEL?