Monday, September 28, 2009

A Letter To The Terrible Two's

Dear Terrible Two's,

Hi there, cutie pie! Yes, I know that chronologically speaking, you are not here yet. You are still 6 months away from showing up in our sweet baby girl. She's just as lovable as can be, barely starting to exhibit any signs of your recognizable traits. But in the name of sanity, I'd like to have a little chat with you - like a backstage pep-talk of sorts - before D-day arrives.

You see, today is Lauren's 18 month birthday. I'm beginning to notice little speed bumps in our day that warn me of your imminent arrival, and I really have only one important thing to say about that: GO AWAY. (I understand that you have a tendency to need things BOLD and UNDERLINED and EXCLAMATION POINTED!!!)

I mean that with all due affection and hospitality. While some other children may need your bursts of personality and temper, I can assure you that we are full-up in this household. You may remember that my older daughter, Mia, is still clinging to some stray bits left over from your last visit 2 and a half years ago. You showed up a mite early for Mia - around 15 months - and your memory has held on tighter than bark to a tree. I feel safe in saying any attention grabbing tantrums have made quite the impression on the little sister, therefore your extra exertions in that arena are unnecessary.

Also, if you do show up, I should warn you that we are not as unprepared for you as we were on the first go-round. I, for example, have become proficient in giving time-outs. I almost never laugh when I should be scolding. My husband is very skilled at carrying a thrashing body out of crowded buildings. We are both quite a bit more anaesthetised against feeling bad for causing toddler-disappointment. Our ears have been physically sealed shut against the sound of whining. Honest. It's lost on us. Stick to the the first-timers, little darlin' - they're bound to appreciate the full spectrum of your charm anyway; I'd hate for you to go under appreciated.

What I'm trying to say is that you won't get anywhere with us. We're old hats. Stubborn, old, unfashionable hats that are quite likely to send you to bed with no food after you've tossed it all over creation during a tantrum, while the rest of our happy little family feasts on dessert. You'd do much better to sit down with a cuddly toy and think about the good things in life: Smiles. Cookies. Play dates. Library visits. Ice Cream. Laughter. Toy stores. Things that will never be yours if you don't shape up and revert to your One Year Old sweetness or fast-forward to your Four Year Old sense of understanding.

Now listen - there's no need to cry! We'd never turn you away if you showed up at our door, you know. It's just...we'd love it if you'd be a bit more reasonable. Seeing as how you'll be an extended guest, and we'll be living up in each other's business for at least the next year and a half, it's only fair that we've told you how we feel. If there's anything you'd like to say in rebuttal, feel free to use your words in a calm and patient manner. Otherwise, you'll be sitting in time-out for screaming and kicking your feelings in our general direction.

Seriously and Sternly,
Mom and Pop Heavenly

PS - If you still demand to be admitted into our household, there is one aspect that is better than any other place you might otherwise have landed: We have Nana. She's here a lot; we're at her house a lot. She'll give you goodies and treats no matter what your behavior, while convincing us not to worry too much about the length of your visit. Because, as she often reminds us, the teenage visitors stay much longer.

This post included in Real Life's Your Life Your Blog.


  1. This is one of my favorite posts of yours ever :)

    I feel like Lily is already exhibiting Terrible Two-ish behavior at only ONE YEAR. Yikes!

  2. Ha ha- I love this! Brilliant! I think I'll be printing out a copy for when the Terrible Two's comes to visit my home again... and again :D

  3. I did not realize our two little girls were the same age! Malia was 18 months Sept. 8th. I hold my breath for what is to come with that little girl! She is already so sneaky! Anyway, we can vent to each other ;) Thanks for the fun post.

  4. love it! Hayden will be 18 mos. on Nov 4...I cannot believe we're almost on the upswing of 2!! Wowza....

  5. This is a fabulous post. Do you post like this often? Cuz I'm glad I got here.

  6. I love this! Way to stay strong! Just don't send your dose of 'the twos' my way. I've got all I can handle already.

    By the way, what's with this 'Four Year Old sense of understanding' you're talking about? When does that get here? Because from where I sit, four years old is the age of DRAMA. I'm hoping for some peace when they turn five. Or 35. Or something.

  7. Hilarious! I love the "screaming and kicking your feelings in our general direction" part. That sounds very accurate.

  8. Oh, the terrible two's came knocking on our door here recently. And it wasn't much of a pleasant visit, I tell you!

    Awesome post! Love this!!

  9. Haha! Oh, I love this. :-) It sounds like you are more than prepared.
    Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for your comments and encouragment! it means a lot. :-)

  10. I love this post and we don't even have kids yet. Think if I print it out now I can remember where I put it a few years from now and pull it out again?

  11. Amy - Thanks! And I think Terrible two is somewhat of a misnomer...terrible toddler is more accurate, but less hopeful :)

    Dawn - Well I'm glad you're here too! My posts are all over the board, so you may see weird stuff like this from time to time. Then something emotional and sappy will come along and bore you to death, but stick around! You never know!

    Emily - WHAT?! You mean there's no beacon of hope at Mia's 4th birthday?! We are pretty high on drama here, NOW. I guess I'll just wait to see what happens next :)

    TMC - I think you should carry it with you in your purse, right next to your pepper spray :)

  12. Ha! So funny! Another Heavenly Gem that really should be published in some magazine.

  13. thanks for stopping by my blog earlier! :) this is the cutest post ever! :)
    very creative! good luck and you will have to let us know if it works cuz in less than 1 1/2 yr i might need the same letter! :)

  14. I love this letter!! I'm closer to dealing with the terrible teens than the terrible twos but it's still so applicable!

    Luck to both of us.
    Really great post!

  15. We're getting neat the terrible twos too. My 18 mo old son is showing signs here and there. I hope I"m as strong as you are, this is my first time around.


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